René Descartes famously stated “Cogito ergo sum.” “I think therefore I am.”
But what am I?
It’s a question that keeps coming up in my life. I think in many ways I already know, but it’s coming to grips with the reality of it.
This is harder since one of my prime motivators is that of self-consistency. One of the highest failings is that of hypocrisy; I strive every day to not be a hypocrite. With self-consistency comes unification of who and what I am. That, of course, is in conflict with the compartmentalization that I wrote about before. How can I be one person in one situation and a different one in another?
Of course all of this needs to be governed by reason and general good manners – if just acting as a volume control on one aspect or other.
So, the original question comes to bear again: What am I?
This isn’t what I’m striving to become, but what is intrinsic to me. It’s not a job or profession. It’s the fundamental essence.
I am technical. I wind up applying an engineering approach to most of the things I do. When I do something it has a tendency to be precise almost to a fault. When I start something new I do extensive research on it. I’m not afraid to take things apart, and sometimes I can even put them back together.
I am kinky. Speaks mostly for itself. If only you knew what Amazon’s computers do. ;-) You know the research that I just mentioned… yeah. There are books for that. I do research. It’s what I do. I’m not going into details here. Maybe later. Why put it in here? Because, while generally private, it’s a big part of my being. I know I’ll have more on this later.
I am an adventurer / explorer / learner. I find things that I haven’t done before and try to do them. I want to get myself into different “head spaces.” This applies to the previous two topics as well. I push myself into places that aren’t comfortable — that’s where you wind up learning the most about yourself. If there’s something I don’t know about, I want to learn about it even if it’s not really applicable to my day-to-day existence.
I am creative. I make stuff. Stuff like photographs, food, widgets for the bike and software. I would make other art but I’m not as skilled. I can’t sing to save my life, though I occasionally try to the amusement or annoyance of others (depending on your view). I wrote a novel just to see if I could.
Why write this? To unify my existence, that’s why.
What about embarrassment (specifically about kink)? What of it? What is there to be embarrassed about but myself? Is that healthy? No. It’s the acceptance of what you are as a human being.