Getting a loan to buy a house should be an easy thing.

Note: I’m not saying qualifying for a loan should be easy. I’m saying once things are good to go it should be smooth sailing.

No. Apparently not.

Let’s go back almost exactly a month. On May 1 I called up Wells Fargo to get pre-approved for a loan. Bonus: they currently hold my present mortgage so they know about me and have history with me. I give them all my info and ask what else they need, “like W2s or anything.” Nope. All good to get things approved. Should have things ready by Friday at the latest. (That would be Friday the 4th if you’re playing at home)

Forward to the 8th of May — when I’m in frickin’ Montana — and they ask me for pay stubs and W2s.

W. T. F. ?

Couldn’t you ask for them when I offered them to you?

Ok. Being the weirdo that I am I have scans of these things buried on various drives I had with me in the car. I set up a mini network in a hotel room and I was able to get these out by the next morning. In fact I put these on my dropbox and shared them so they could download the big files instead of having them bounce because they were too big.

But it turns out they block dropbox. ?! Ok. Pull out the iPad and send the files from a gas station in the middle of nowhere.

He keeps promising that “he’ll have the letter tomorrow.”

Time passes and no letter.

Fast forward another week. It’s the 14th and I’m starting my first day at Amazon.

At this point I call En and have her start the process with some other banks as well. I no longer am in the mood to deal with these douche bags.

She makes some calls and of the two banks only one returns her call.

W. T. F. ?

Thankfully the one that does gets us a letter before Wells-F’ing-Fargo even gets us the letter. (Bonus: the rate is better than what Wells Fargo would eventually offer after taking well over two weeks to produce a letter)

Ok. So then we find a house and want to fund the loan.

I have my offer letter from Amazon. I have money in my account. I provide all sorts of documentation about everything. I have my pre-approval.

Smooth sailing, right?

Oh, but what about this $350 deposit? (Paying half a gift for someone)

What of this $20K deposit? And this $20K debit from another account? Does it take a fucking genius to figure out that this is a transfer? Apparently.

Does it take a genius to lie about it if it wasn’t?

So today I get paid from Amazon. The check is being put in the bank.

New-Loan-Bank wants me to have my bank sign something that says the money is in the bank. What the hell that does do? So they sign something. Then I can take it out again, right? I have a check for x. My balance goes up x. I get letter. I take money out if I want. I still have the letter.

It makes me not want to add money to my account. What if I get paid for some old contracting? What if I get extra money from an old company?

What if I deposit a pile of cash that I have lying around? (Yes, actually I do have a pile of cash. Something about very liquid assets appeals to me)

What if I take my part of a life insurance settlement? What if I find a quarter on the street and deposit it?

W. T. F. ?

Bank is already happy that I can pay the loan. Bank is already happy that I will have the cash. Loan gets made when I make down payment. If I don’t have the cash then that’s when there’s an issue.

Grrr… I’ll be happy when this whole clusterfuck of a merry-go-round is just plain over.