Warning, this is a mushy post dealing with loss… not fun.

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The time has come.

It’s such an unnatural thing to contemplate the end of something — not just the end but being in control of that end.

It’s one thing to have something bad happen; something out of your control. It’s easier to accept. It’s something that you can wrap your head around.

Being the decider is hard.

Knowing that we’re scheduling putting our kitty to sleep is a very tough thing to get wrapped around. It’s the same as scheduling a meeting in terms of how, but the gravity is infinitely more. I’m uncomfortable with having the decision on my shoulders (and Ennie’s), but I know that we’ve made the right choice.

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She’s so weak. She’s losing weight like crazy. The lumps and bigger and more. She can barely move around a few rooms now, let alone up and down stairs. Well, maybe down, but it’s a one way trip down. She has none of the happiness and chattiness about her. None of the hopping up on your lap and getting in fights with her brother. She’s just there on her kitty bed seemingly waiting.

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I remember picking her and her brother Jack up from the animal shelter. Her exploring the yellow room in the house in Solon. She always liked being under stuff like blankets. She liked to scare her brother by jumping out.

She always liked under. She climbed into bed with us and snuggle up next to me. That’s the way it always went. She would have her back to me curled up next to me using my hand as her pillow purring softly into my palm. If En wasn’t in bed that would last indefinitely; En warmed up the bed enough that she would climb out in a huff

Even moving the same thing happened. It’s just how she’s wired.

The past month or two has been hard.

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I told her how much I loved her as I held her on my lap today. Told her that I just want to do what’s best for her. That medicating her into “good enough” until the cancer finally wins isn’t a win. Told her how much I’ll miss her.

I wonder if she understands. I wonder if it would be good or bad. I hope if she does that she know that both of us love her and we just want to do what’s right.

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Tomorrow we’re making the vet appointment.